Photo credit: Jacob Wackerhausen/iStock / 360/Getty Images
Contributed by: Masha Sapron
I confess, I have a checkered past. Who doesn't have a few skeletons they would want to lock up in the closet for good — or better yet, excavate, and then bury, burn or dump in the sea. The thing is, they always find them — the detectives on the TV crime drama always find the things that the bad guy is trying to hide. Well I'm no bad guy, I am your mom.
I figured I would just come clean about my checkered past now so that you don't find any surprises while rooting through my closet. I think you will find upon closer examination, these seemingly shameful episodes are really not much different than the s*** that went down when you came into my life.
Photo credit: Masha Sapron
I have shown my boobs
I did it in the name of beads — the highest commodity available in New Orleans during Mardi Gras. I collected so many beads that I walked hunched over from their jangling weight. The good news is that you know your mom is resourceful. Stick with me kid, I may not be rich in the conventional sense but if the American economy ever fails, those beads could sustain us for a long time (in New Orleans in the month of February). The bad news is that your mother showed her boobs for a bunch of plastic dime store necklaces.
I showed my boobs in the name of art
Night after night in a black box theater in New York, I disrobed and believed I was also baring my artistic soul. In a movie — a movie based on an Edgar Allan Poe story — I showed my boobs again. Edgar Allan Poe could only inspire serious works of art. It sounded so… important!
But when you were born, it really became important to show my boobs. Not on purpose of course, but I'm sure more people saw my boobs in person in Hollywood at that cafe when you demanded to be fed than the audiences I was hoping to garner in my artistic pursuits. I nursed you whenever you were hungry and didn't really care who was watching. I didn't make a point of showing my boobs but undoubtedly people caught a glimpse of the nipple. So people have seen my boobs. So what?
I was a scream queen of the month
It may not sound like much, but it was an honor at the time. I was in my 20s, trying to establish myself as a serious actress, and instead I got this… ugh recognition. I didn't have to fill out an application, petition or try to sway any academy voters. I didn't receive a gold statue or have to wear a long gown.
One day I just was scream queen of the month. You are definitely your mother's daughter. And now my dear, the honor is yours. You are a scream queen — and not just of the month, but of the day… every day… for the past year. It's been a pleasure working with you. Unfortunately, there is no one to yell quiet on the set.
I was a blood-sucking vampire
Well I played one on TV anyway. I sucked with gusto and left my victims lying helpless, drained, mouth agape. I had to, I had no choice. I received sustenance from sucking — I had to suck to survive. Or should I say, my character? And now you've taken on the same role. All day and night you suck and feast on my body for sustenance. You suck to survive. Sometimes in the middle of the night after an hour long suck-fest, I watch the bats fly by our window and wish someone would call "cut" and you could just crawl over to craft services and pick up a sandwich.
I have done drugs
I never did any drugs on a regular basis, but I have tried various mind-altering substances out of curiosity. I tried marijuana but by the time you read this you'll probably think "so what" that's not a drug, it's like smoking a cigarette… (Unless by the time you read this cigarettes will probably be relegated to antique vestiges of black and white cinema.)
Photo credit: Masha Sapron
I tried cocaine, I was scared and bored and it felt like I drank a million cups of coffee and I had to call sick into work the next day. The cost benefit analysis didn't add up for me.
I tried ayahuasca in the jungles of Peru. I don't know if I should mention it because in many cultures it's not considered a drug, but a medicinal herb. I tried it with your father when we were just dating. He threw up and had a vision of ducks. I had a vision of you.
I tried ecstasy a few times. I was looking for that feeling that the name promises... the elusive ecstasy, but I didn't find it in the dance clubs. I experienced ecstasy on the day you were born. I did a lot of drugs that day: oxytocin, prolactin, beta-endorphins... It was on that day that I found ecstasy but the difference is the feeling has lasted my whole life.
About the author^
Masha Sapron is an actress living in Los Angeles. She became a yoga teacher to keep her sanity. She became a mom only to lose it. She became a writer to document it.