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Sex toys are all fun and games until they rear their colorful heads where they're not wanted. We asked moms to share their most mortifying sex toy stories, and the results do not disappoint. These hilarious horror stories will have you investing in a locked drawer in no time.
A "special candle"
"Our preschooler found a dildo in my husband's top dresser drawer. She said, 'There's some kind of arm or leg in Dad's dresser.' We told her it was a special kind of candle. Instead of just relocating it, my husband recreated it with Play-Doh so that if she decided to take a second, closer look, she'd see that it was nothing scandalous." - Stephanie
"When hubby and I were first married, before he knew I had any toys, he rolled over in the middle of the night and all of the sudden our mattress started buzzing. Lesson: Don't store your vibrator between the mattresses." - April
"After [my husband's] deployment he made rank and we got orders to move. It all happened very quickly. We got orders and had to be there in a month. It was a whirlwind of a time. The Navy hires packers for you and packs all your stuff up and moves it all across country. This was new to me and I loved the idea of not having to lift a finger... Until the next day when all was packed did I realize that meant they found, saw, handled, packaged and boxed up an entire drawer of sex toys." - Tara
A security issue
"I lived in Spain for a year, and when I was moving back home I arrived at LAX. I was waiting in line for my entry security inspection and all of a sudden I notice that my bag was vibrating! My vibrator had gotten turned on during the flight, deep in my bag. Now, in front of everyone, in a moving security line, I had to dig through the contents of my open bag to find it and turn it off." - Laura
"About a month after I married Aidan and moved to a new city, my mother called to tell me I'd left something behind. (I lived with my parents for a year before getting married.)
'What is it?' I asked.
'I found it under the bed.'
'What is it?' I asked again.
'When I vacuumed, I didn't want to move it, so I just vacuumed around it.'
'What is it?' I asked. I couldn't figure out why she was being do weird.
'I'll just let you pick it up next time you come for a visit,' she said. 'It's, it's, it's pink.'
And then I realized that she was talking about a neon pink but very realistically penis-shaped vibrator I had. And that she had diligently been cleaning around it. And that it would be lying there on my parents' floor for weeks on end until I came to retrieve it. And that my next visit would be all about this big, neon pink vibrator. And then I fell down dead." - Elan
In the spirit of fairness, I'll play along too: I recently broke up with a guy I was casually dating and started rage-shopping on Amazon. The end result was a toy that looked a whole lot bigger in person than it did online. Let's just say it's purple and has an enormous handle. I figured it wasn't going to be compatible, but I opened the package anyway, and I stuck it in the dishwasher to sanitize it. The next day, my air conditioner broke and I ended up with my landlords and a repair man in my kitchen. I idly emptied the dishwasher while they went over paperwork. It wasn't until the dildo was the very last thing in my dishwasher that I realized it was there, in all its arm-length purple glory. If they noticed, they pretended not to. (Amazon, $32)