When I was pregnant for the first time, my friends raved about how I was “all belly.” They patted my expanding waistline and cooed at my growing fetus. When I say I ate for two, I mean I ate for four. Since I was “all belly” according to my family and friends, I thought this left room for extra burgers and fries.

When I look back at pictures of my pregnant self, I can’t believe I allowed them to trick me into believing I was “all belly.” I mean… I WAS all belly, but I was also a lot of a** -- and can you say, "jumbo thighs?" I’ll take two, please. The following is a list of things nobody tells you during pregnancy, but probably should:

"Put that second burger down, it’s going to take you a lifetime to lose that weight!"

Instead they tell you, “well, you’re eating for two now -- I bet you’re just starving! Would you like another?” The truth is, you don’t NEED to eat two burgers. For the love of all that is healthy, please do consider how much you’re eating. It is one thousand times harder to lose the weight than it is to gain it. Put. The. Burger. Down.

"No amount of Kegels in the world is going to fix what’s about to happen down there…"

When a baby exits your body via your vagina, please understand your vagina will never be the same again. You might hear about Kegels or other exercises used to tighten those private muscles, but they’re just trying to make you feel better. The truth is your vagina is forever changed, the moment that baby exits.

"Your belly is adorable, but why does your rear seem to be growing as well?"

Nobody is going to tell you you’re looking hefty anywhere but your belly. And they shouldn’t. But you are. Go for a walk.

"It takes you nine months to gain the baby weight, it’ll take you 18 months to lose it… or a lifetime."

Losing baby weight is approximately one thousand times harder than gaining it. It’s not fair. Here you just GIFTED a creature life… you’d think the least one could expect would be to be GIFTED a pre-pregnancy body back! This is not the case, my friends; it takes awhile. Sometimes a long while.

"This is the quietest your child will ever be again… enjoy it!"

A lot of people mention how you should appreciate your sleep now while you still have it, but few talk about how chatty your baby is going to be for the rest of your lives together. He or she will always have something to say to you. There will be complaints, compliments and nonstop chatter. Enjoy the fact that right now, your baby is silent.

Spill it!^ Don't keep other mamas in the dark. What is something no one told you about pregnancy?

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